Lately I have been in the midst of chaos and control, my world falling apart and coming back together again all at once.
I am learning, you see, to let go of the "out of control" control, where I have a need to make things happen or control how it all comes together, nothing is coming together like I "thought" it was going to, jobs lined up and then falling through, money coming in then I follow through with what will create the lightest in my world and then bam everything slows or stops, like a change in trajectory, then things start to come back together again, yet not how I thought they would.
I was offered a job in a position which I am good at, I can do it well, its not far from home, across the road from the water, has a beautiful park just up the road and the money would be a constant again in my life. Phew - all my problems solved!
Which sitting where I was when the offer came in I was taking it very seriously, I nearly took them up on the offer, because its secure, I wouldn't have the what if's of who is coming this week, is anybody going to choose to have a session, what if it all dries up and then I will have to go bankrupt because I have no money, how am I going to pay the school fees, let alone supply the list of birthday and Christmas present ideas that is coming through to me.
How is this teaching my children, "responsibility" with money when, I am out of control with it all?
So then after getting myself into a tissy and crying and thinking I was stupid and had absolutely no idea and no possible right to even think I should be running a business or working from home.
Who does that? Only rich people right? or people on the benefits, get to stay at home all the time. WHAT AM I DOING? !!!
Well once I got to the thought that was absolutely nuts to think of that, because I knew that wasn't true. I began to ask myself questions. Is that my reality? Is that what is true for me? If I can manage an office and other people couldn't I manage 1 person - MYSELF!
Hardest person to manage I think is myself. The thoughts that run through.
More questions, looking at my financial situation and where I am, looking at my invoices, what is a want, need?
What would be a contribution to me and my business, to my clients?
What value can I add to them?
I am working it out, not in the way that you would normally think. I am getting real with what I actually require. Finding that balance between being a scrooge and holding all my money with a tight fist, so tight that it was choking me and keeping me small. to find the balance of what is light and bright that will be a contribution, asking questions, if I use this money on advertising will that create and contribute to my business and results I am looking to achieve.
You see, what I do is not all about the money, it is about what I can do to help people get out of the stuck and the muck, it is about them realising that they do have choice in situations even when they think they don't. Just like I did all those years ago, and yesterday when I thought I was stuck and would have to stop this business and go back to a paid job.
I do not have to choose that, I can choose to use the money I have to create more, to create more awareness of who I am and what I do. So it is not wholly and solly about the money, money is simply a requirement in this time and space for me to further build a business of creating change, for myself and others.
If I create more money and lower my barriers to receive more, then I can study more, I can travel to places to bring more choice out to other people. I can expand my business online to reach those I wouldn't normally be able to reach. How amazing is that? That lights up my world, because that is my aim, yep money is awesome, it is awesome because it is another tool that I can use.
I used to have the worst relationship with money, always thought that I couldn't manage it, always thought that I was destined to not have any, even though deep down I had this knowing, a striving to be more, become more, chase more of life. Yet could not ever achieve that because of my points of view on money.
I had my parents points of view on money, my brothers view where he is conflicted because he blames our parents yet, he has had alot of money over his life time, yet could not form any sort of receiving and growth with it.
A girlfriend said to me recently that she took on a limitation of how much money that is needed to be in the bank for her to feel rich and the freedom of having money.
While ever we are taking on someone else's point of view of what it looks like to be rich or to have money and freedom we limit what our richness and freedom is for us. Our desires even though most people would like a house or a nice car, etc etc it still looks different, people have different styles, different wants in how that is. Wouldn't it be the same for money. So why do we take on other peoples opinion and limit ourselves.
It was said the other day "you gotta spend money to make money" and for some reason that right there, makes me so cranky, and I have not quite pinpointed where and why I picked that up. Who's point of view, does it mean it is right or wrong, no not really, it just means that, it is sticking me and therefore I have limited myself because "I don't have money" , really, is that true? nope I have money, I have money coming in, and I have money going out.
It is just like breathing, breathing comes in and out, money comes in and out, it is an energy.
It doesn't have to be more then that unless we make it that way. I have been doing that for so long and then I have been playing more and working more with what money is, and letting go of the points of view I have accumulated over the times.
Now honestly do not get me wrong, it is fricken tough, and if I was trying to do this on my own I would be working 2 full time jobs, one with the comfortableness of a regular paycheck doing something I am good at, as well as trying to find the time after being exhausted from the mental stress of working to be present for my clients, to help heal and nurture their creations and what they desire. For me though it doesn't work, I tried it, I tried being comfortable and having the regular income, it simply becomes an uncomfortable mess that I no longer desire to live in.
Without my husband paying the mortgage and all of the living expenses of our life and I am only talking basics, I wouldn't be able to have this freedom of exploring what I can do. There is sacrifices, I have to be aware of what I am spending and what I have coming in, because I have my own personal loans to pay, as well as a car, fuel insurance etc etc, it hasn't stopped, its simply adjusting.
This in itself is a process, I am getting there though, I am learning how to be with money, I am learning and especially after this past week I have noticed that I have again shifted in my perspective of money and what my reality is with it. I continue to ask questions.
I have also turned the job offer down, because I realised that I simply need to create more, speak with more people, be out in the world so the world can see me and then I can not only help people, I will grow and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I am not saying I have everything down pat, though my realisation has both given me a sense of letting go of control and being in more control, creation, ease and a knowing with money and what that is going to look like for me than I have had in a long time.
As we evolve and choose to have a different reality with our lives, to choose to not accept how things have always been then things do change and you can either embrace it or you can run and hide back in the comfortableness of what is comfortable.
Now I am demanding more of myself. I am also asking more and more of my husband in his support and patience while I go through the joy of business, and asking
HOW DOES IT GET ANY BETTER?
Because that is my request of the universe and the demand of myself!
How does it get better?
How does it get greater than today?
What space can I be to have joy with business and money?
What am I willing to receive?
So what are you willing to let go of? What are you willing to receive?