Sitting here today my body rebelling against the changes that I know it is choosing, yet to make it, it feels so stuck in the institution of what it has been given and had the point of view of for soooooooooooo many years!
As you may or may not know I have recently completed and Access Consciousness 3 Day Body Class, in that class we were taught 60 different body processes that can be used on the body, for various reasons and to help with various issues.
I had these processes completed on me and so my body is changing, it it healing and learning that we do not have to look a certain way just because history says so.
I chose to do the class for 2 reasons, one because my desire to be able to offer you my clients different ways for the body to heal, receive and relax. Then for my body and what this class could do for me and the change I was asking for with my own relationship with my body.
You see I have struggled with my body for years, for how it looked the way it moved etc etc. the list can go on and on, yet I imagine you get the drift.
I remember being a young girl, being full of joy and light, then growing and my body being used in ways that I felt was out of my control, then as a young woman and feeling the desire & sexualness that I was, then was made wrong for that confusion set in, I was made wrong from the men who wouldn't take no for an answer, I was made wrong by society, and I was made wrong by myself for not being stronger, for not saying no louder instead of just in my head, I made myself wrong because I was too short, too fat, my teeth were too big, I was too sexual (not sexy- sexual), too happy, too kind, all of this came from my body so when that happens and you continue to make yourself wrong for that you lose sight of who you are and who your body is.
I lost touch of my communion with my body.
Although I had different awareness's about my body, what it liked what it didn't, throughout the last 45 years, I didn't have the relationship with it where I was grateful, honoured and also felt the presence of my actual body without taking it for granted.
My body finally got to the point that it had screamed at me and I was doubled over in pain and couldn't stand up straight due to the pain. Now because of this, it was like being in labour, I had my regular 2 yearly check up due so I made an appointment with my Dr. We did all the tests, internal, external examinations and ultrasound's. Nothing odd turned up that wasn't expected" to be there related to childbirth and being a woman "whatever that means" so still being frustrated at my body and knowing there was something not right I made an appointment with my Chiropractor in Toowoomba. He has done an amazing job with me previously and is my inspiration for learning Kinesiology, as he incorporates it in with the Chiropractic. He found that my pelvis had separated and my left side being an inch higher than my right. No wonder I was in so much pain every time I stood up, moved in a quick way, practiced yoga and the list went on. I wore a belt for 2 weeks, 24hrs a day and my body did start to feel better, I had more movement!
Still from there though and in talking with my body, being angry at my body frustrated because of the limitations my body was putting on me and my movements. I was beginning to think I would never be able to do yoga again to ride a bike or my motorbike again because I couldn't bend, squat, massage or walk for long periods.
My body would start to cramp and I would have to be flat on my back with a heat pack on my pelvis, when I began to further take notice of my thoughts and limiting beliefs around my body, plus situations with my body, then with one instance I had a decision or decisions to make, I spoke with my sister and she said it is like I am splitting myself in two, pulling myself in different directions to please everyone but yourself, and just now I have had the awareness of childbirth because that is where my injury began.
My point being that childbirth is out of your control, once that baby begins to come you cannot stop the flow of what is to happen, so that was how I was feeling when I would have pain, it was like I was out of control of my body, like I couldn't make the best decision for me and my baby. I would split myself in two to be able to satisfy everyone.
Here is an interesting tidbit for you - this first began causing an issue when I separated from my husband of 25 years, only minor pulls every now and then when I squatted and stood up again, then it really stuck hard when the decision was made to move away from my children.
The choice to do that was mine, though I felt like an outsider going through the motions seemingly having the choice and control taken away once again yet on a scale that was unbelievably hurtful because I was leaving my boys, both different ages, yet both so still required me to be their mum on many levels so the feelings of disappointment and guilt were felt even though I was still making the choice that felt the lightest for me.
You see in talking to and with my body asking questions when I was doubled over in pain, I couldn't understand yet was starting to see the correlation between when I was deciding for myself or someone else.
When I was doing an action that was not in line with what felt the lightest for me and when I was going places that I didn't wish to because I hadn't listened my body would create pain so that I ended up having to leave or would be in pain through the whole experience. "Grin and bear it", my body would tell me in the only way that would get my attention and that is through the pain.
Now, I can really be quite stubborn sometimes and sometimes my stubbornness is not really a good thing because then I just rebel against what my body wanted to do, so I would make it go places and I would be uncomfortable in that.
I did amongst the last 2 years come to peace with my body, where I love my body, I love that it moves, that it dances, sings it wobbles with laughter and it bulges out in places that some would call fat. Me, well its my precious body that has been through so much and has many great stories to tell.
When I went to the 3 Day Body Class, the facilitator Shannon O'Hara (link below) was teaching and I asked a question related around movement and how I was get this cramping etc and that I would like to change that as I knew within myself that structurally I was good, yet there was this energy of something that I was holding onto. (re-read my points before this to see the correlation of decisions, splitting myself & holding on) Shannon in my basic way of explaining - she asked me what potency was I hiding behind and holding in that if I let that go and truly be the potent sexual woman I could be, what would that create?
Well mind blown emoji inserted here, I cried tears of recognition of the truth in that. I was holding myself back because I have power in my potency, I have power in my sexualness, I have power in myself and body to be, have and do all the things. I do not have to be doing anything that truly doesn't align with what I am desiring and requiring my body to be and do.
Wow - How cool is that? To begin to truly connect with my body I have felt changes of not knowing, and knowing. I have had days since where all I have wanted to do is sleep, where my head has felt so full I couldn't think straight, days where my body & hunger were not sated.
In all those moments though I continued to ask questions - Body what would you like to wear today, body what would you like to eat, body would you like to go for a swim, for the times when I was unsure - Body who does this belong to? Is this even mine?
I learned so much that weekend that it has taken me this long to put it into words, that I still now do not think I have done it justice.
You see all of the things I do, all of the practices I do on your body, I get them done on me so I know what it does for my body, which it will be different to yours, though I know what it feels like when it feels like your body is betraying you, and then with your choice I can help you to establish a relationship, communion and better understanding of your body & being.
What awareness and possibilities could you create for you and your body by simply asking a question?