"Vulnerability" - the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.
I don't do vulnerable well, I used to think that I had to be strong, and responsible all the time. I worked hard to be a great mother, wife, employee, to stay strong, to not have to ask for anything from anyone. Who's going to help anyway?
There have been many times where I have broken down, still haven't been vulnerable in that though, my journals is where all my "vulnerability" lives, they know all of my pain and shame.
Even today, I work through my pain and shame in silence, I am learning how to be open and knowing that I can be vulnerable, its a bit of a tough gig sometimes, to let someone know that life isn't working, or more that one particular part at this very point in time is coming back to slam you in the face again.
How do we get passed that or through that or learn how to even speak that?.......
I remember that there have been years where I could have & probably should have fallen to my knees in exasperation, frustration, sadness, there have been times when I was so heart-breakingly close to being on one knee, and then my stubbornness kicks in and I would shut down to those closest to me.
Perhaps if I just surrendered to the pain, exhaustion, anger frustration, I would be different, I would be in a space of more allowance, more strength, more of my own voice to be spoken without fear of rejection or judgement.
Learning to be open and honest with ourselves more so than anyone else.
So today I can be honest with myself, and realize that my lesson for today is that I need to be open and honest with myself, and with those that require it at the time, to use my voice to say I need your help, I am struggling here, I cannot do right now on my own and it doesn't need to be about anything other than the things that really stick us. Such as at work, sometimes when we are drowning at work and find it difficult to stay on top of things. At home when there seems to be a million "jobs" that need to be finished before you get to sit down. Finances - well who doesn't need to be vulnerable right there when having a conversation right?......
Right now I have been working through finding a new car, finances, looking at my finances, where I am at, where I would like to be with them and what I need to do to create all I was asking for. I thought I was doing okay, except the bank said no - power outside of me - I was devastated and angry with myself because of well everything...... how could I think that I could possibly do this, who am I to think that I can do what I want to do, what makes me think I am any one special etc etc, the noise and quiet anger that boiled inside of me was deafening. I cried, I was disappointed, I was all the things that come with the emotions, and then I started to remember that I have tools, I do not have to stay in this crap, that is when it started to dawn on me that in order for me to fix the situation, so that I didn't ruin my days off, or be angry at the world because I felt useless, was to be vulnerable and talk with my husband about what I was feeling. About my disappointment and lack I believed I was in.
There are tools that I use to cut past the crap bits you know the tops layers that are not really the truth of what this is, the bits that are reactions. One tool that I use is "What's right about this that I am not getting?" (accessconsciousness.com) you see, sometimes life presents itself in a way that we don't think is right for us and how unfair it all is on us, I thought that if I had done all the work then I would be free of having to explain myself. Which is an odd way of looking at things. Being vulnerable is not about having to explain anything, its simply showing up for yourself in a different way.
When in fact "whats right about this that I am not getting?" was exactly what I needed to get me to stand back and have a look at the picture to see what the issue was, to see that for me to move forward, to learn and grow through and beyond this was to be vulnerable in that situation, I had to make a requirement of myself to say " I need your help" Could you please help me with this situation? I need to out-create this.
What is possible that we can create together that will be an outcome of contribution for both of us?
You see so much and so many of us believe that we "have to be strong" well I call bullshit on that one. You see now I am learning that being vulnerable is being strong to the point where it has made me sit back and go okay, hang on here a minute;
Who or What can I do or be that will create more with this? What is actually going on here?, What would it take to pull myself out of this sticky situation OR Am I willing to be vulnerable and ask for someone who has greater skill, money, time, expertise in what ever field I need to get me to out-create this spot I find myself in? I am finding that being vulnerable is a courage.
So next time you are in a situation where you feel you have no control, simply be in the moment, ask Do I need to be vulnerable here?, yes/no, okay great so now what, is there someone that I can talk to about this? yes/no, okay great so, Whats right about this that I am not getting? Remember there is no right or wrong about this, we are all here working through life, through situations, just do not stay stuck in them, start asking questions?
Brene' Brown says “Vulnerability is not about winning or losing. It’s having the courage to show up even when you can’t control the outcome.”